JUST TO GET BY TODAY

Man comes home , finds his wife with his friend in bed . He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

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What is the definition of Mistress?

Someone between the Mister and Mattress.

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Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE?

Without Information Fighting Everytime.

Wife replies,"No, it means, with Idiot For Ever!!!"

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What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.

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A women asks man who is traveling with six children,

"Are all these kids yours??"

The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints."

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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!"

I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!

I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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A Priest dies & amp; is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates. Ahead of him is a guy, nattily dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, jacket & jeans. God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?

The guy replies: I am Paandi, Auto driver from Chennai!

God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & amp; enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Church for the last 40 years. God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven....

'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & amp; a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & amp; goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'

'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.

'While you preached, people SLEPT; while he drove, people PRAYED'.